I was stirring and awake-ish earlier than usual this morning…I felt the nudge to get up and write. I hit the snooze button instead. Not right now God.
The morning rigamarole was upon me a short bit later, making me glad I snoozed a lil’ longer and enjoyed petting Amos, his head perched on the side of bed. He appreciates me horizontal, I can appreciate him more that way too.
It’s now not even lunch and I’ve gone non-stop since feet hitting the floor. I did give myself a whole 30 min of welling my soul with devotion/study time this morning, but other than that, this is my first real stillness.
I probably should have answered that nudge this morning – it’s turned into a little shove from behind and before I fall in ungrace on my knees, I’m going to try to answer…
I just grabbed a post it and made a list. I feel anxious and can’t put my finger on why. I made the list to help focus. It went like this (and grew quickly) – Seth, kids, parents, work, sickness, school, friends, kid’s friends, our country, mortality, Amos, food, purpose, holidays…I stopped after getting all that in less than 15 seconds – I felt a lil’ nauseous.
I then grabbed my Bible, ‘cast your anxiety’ rolling through my mind’s ticker tape. I wanted to quickly give God my sticky note, ‘here you go – I’m casting.’ Why is nothing ever as simple as I want it to be. Grrrr
I realized I wasn’t really breathing normal when I read all the scripture surrounding…
‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, the he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Then I really felt a little kick in the stomach, reading further in 1 Peter…
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
Again, why is nothing ever simple. How do I even begin with all that, forget my list. God’s probably in opposition to me anyways – he’d ‘cast’ the list right back, with my pride and all. If I were him, I’d probably say, ‘Took you long enough, didn’t it? You haven’t exactly been humbling yourself. Plank in your eye starting to hurt?’ And to all that – I don’t know that I’d have much to say. ‘No God, keeping my anxiety right here in my neat, tidy lil’ box – a pretty red ribbon of pride wrapped tightly around it. No time to get the plank out of my eye.’
Realizing the anxiety list is always fillable – easy to write if thought to do so. Life perpetuates, seasons change, we get older…change, change, more change. Outside the window, my maple’s finally shedding it’s leaves. Me and that maple have history. Fall and pain – synonymous over these last couple of years. Chicken Little me’s never too long from looking up – checking that sky, maintaining the list.
It’s November – the month of Thanksgiving. I can’t go anywhere and be overwhelmed by that notion though…too much Christmas music playing and the decorations are everywhere. Urgency. I shame bought a Christmas decoration at Target yesterday – the urgency got me. Feeling pushed to rush right past the holiday of dressing up and working on cavities straight to the consumption of Christmas. Forget that Thursday in between that just begets being thankful. Too simple I guess.
And I think that’s part of my problem – simple is hard. Beautiful notion, but hard to truly grasp. The world doesn’t encourage it. Taking the day, the moment, the person beside me, the solace in solitude, the beauty of the leaves – whatever present goodness may be before me. Just grasping and marinating in that and letting that be enough – too simple. ‘Live simply’ – a notion reduced to a pretty sign to hang in your house.
Simple, like humble – hard. Humble myself. Admit weakness. Falter with uncertainty. Have faith. Relent pride. All of that, the precursor to the casting. He can’t accept my anxieties if I refuse to give up all that other mess. And it is mess – real crap, the other word even. And I’m full of it, painfully so. The lion has devoured me and instead of recognizing the darkness, I light another pumpkin scented candle.
I’m #smdh remembering the devotion the kids and I did on the way to school yesterday – on discipline. My chest puffing in the front seat, thinking ‘yep, mom win – God says you need to listen to me. Discipline = love.’ Assuring them that I get disciplined too – mostly by God as an adult. Guess it’s God’s turn to get all puffy chested this morning, ‘yep, God win – listen to Me. Discipline = love.’ He goes further though – ‘in due time.’ Meaning His time, not mine (EVER).
And to be expected, He still doesn’t stop there. He goes on to charge me on how to live the in-between, the day-to-day, season-to season. Be self-controlled, alert, resist evil, stand firm in the faith, practice empathy.
The light bulb’s coming on (ding ding)…I think He wants to ‘trade lists.’ I give him all the mess and He gives me the to-do’s while he works it out. He knows I can’t do those things carrying around my box. My smart and relentless God, always. Hard-headed me, always and relentlessly so. I would have quit on me a long time ago.
So what am I thinking all this means? I don’t know – that’s not my job. I’ve admitted there’s a problem and as usual, it starts with me. I’m reminded (as I tend to forget) that I don’t have to know, I just have to trust He does.
I am going to put my list in the trash – trusting He knows it and did before I even wrote it down. He just needed to be given it. I am going to live today, do the hard things, the easy things, the needed things and trust the manna He gives. I will laugh when it’s funny and probably get misty-eyed when it hurts – realizing that hormones dictate a lot too.
I still sing to my babies at bedtime. It’s a time I treasure as I curl up beside them and sing softly in their ear. I’m often flooded with emotion remembering a season where they often had to tell me good night laying in my own bed because either I couldn’t stay up any longer or didn’t have it in me to go upstairs. I snuggle a lil’ closer every time I think of that.
Lucy likes to sing me a song before I sing to her. I almost always ask for Jesus Loves Me. She usually shakes her head, dramatically saying, ‘you ALWAYS pick that.’ She’s mostly right. I can’t resist her sweet lil’ voice giving me that tender assurance, ‘Jesus loves me, this I know.’ He does and I know it – simple and beautiful as that.
So, I cast and I pray simply – let that be the banner atop my list…start there always ♥